Jodi and I are on a very strict health regimen. It consists of 3 stages.
- Stage 1 — We eat like ravenous pigs and get absolutely no exercise. This lasts for about 6-8 months. I don't know what other people are eating, but I basically have the same diet as a 7-year-old orphan trapped inside a candy/fettuccini alfredo warehouse. It's not that I've ever had a weight problem or that I even care that much about food. It's just that I eat what I want to eat—and that means Skittles and fettuccini alfredo.
- Stage 2 — We start developing all kinds of health problems. For example, Jodi has had a migraine for the last 8 months, and I've got this thing where my arm starts twitching involuntarily. Plus, I sometimes get lower back pain and feel like someone has kicked me in the groin. I just know my prostate is probably bigger than my fist. This lasts for about 12-18 months. Meanwhile, we triple the sodium, sugar, and fat levels from Stage 1.
- Stage 3—One day, as we're both moaning in pain, Jodi looks at me and says, "I think we need to start up ‘The Good for You’ plan again." Trust me, that is the last thing you ever want to hear — "The Good for You" plan. It's like hearing the words, "Hey honey, I thought that on Saturday we could drive over to my mom's house, hoist her up on a rack, and give her a physical exam. You can be in charge of the tube."
When Jodi says, "The Good for You" plan, here's what she's talking about…
She goes onto Google and finds every food pyramid ever created. Then she creates Excel spreadsheets for each of us that track exactly what we're supposed to be consuming in a given day. For example, based on my height and ideal weight, I am allowed 34 calories per day. And I'm supposed to drink enough water per day to fill 15 bathtubs.
"And vegetables are a free food!" she says. She gets really excited when she says that: "Vegetables are a free food! You can eat as many of them in a day that you want!" As if that’s supposed to be some kind of incentive. I'm sorry, but that's like saying, "Hey! Wal-Mart is having a country music sale! You can buy all the country music CDs you want for really cheap! And all the Garth Crap and Box Car Willie CDs are FREE!"
Each day we print out our "Good for You" sheets and write down what we've had. I always go over all my limits before breakfast is over.
Then I go to the bathroom a hundred times.
At this point, we look at what we get to have for the rest of the day. Usually, I get to have a shoestring and 7 bathtubs of water for lunch.
Then I go to the bathroom a hundred more times.
Then Jodi says something like, "Oh look! We still get one serving of fat for dinner." Then my eyes light up and I say, "Oooh! What do we get to have for our fat?!" I was thinking that she could buy little packets of fat at the store, and you could cut off the tip with a pair of scissors and then just squeeze all the fat into your mouth. But it seems like our one serving of fat is always contained in something like a cup of ice.
Then I go to the bathroom.
Each day I get a certain amount of free calories. For my free calories, I usually pick a sip of Dr. Pepper or two Skittles. That's the best part of the day. I'll eat one Skittle, run to the bathroom, come back and eat the other Skittle, and then run back to the bathroom again.
Every once in awhile, we treat ourselves and eat a tiny little thimble of fat-free pudding for dessert. On the one hand, it’s actually pretty good pudding. On the other hand, it’s just enough pudding to really piss you off. Pudding should not be eaten from tiny little thimbles; it should be eaten from great big barrels.
The good thing about this diet is that you don't have to exercise that much. Why? Because by the end of the day, your body is so weak from malnutrition and going to the bathroom that all you can do is open the door and fall down on the grass. That's where nature takes over. The 150-degree heat, 250% humidity, and 50 zillion mosquito bites immediately suck out all your body's toxins, not to mention your will to live.
Then you go to the bathroom one thousand times.
There is one good thing about "The Good for You" health regimen. With our plan, we take the weekends and holidays off, meaning we get to eat whatever we want on those days. And believe me, we take whatever holiday there is. I'm very excited because I just found out that Rosh Hashanah and International Juggling Day are coming up.
I don't know exactly how effective this "Good for You" plan is because I don't think we've ever gotten very far with it. We usually revert back to Stage 1 by the third week. But I do know one thing. On International Juggling Day, I'm going to have a chili cheese dog.
Then I'm going to go to the bathroom.
Then I'm going to have another chili cheese dog.
Then I'm going to go to the bathroom.
Then I'm going to have three pizzas, a case of Dr. Pepper, and a barrel of Skittles.
Then I'm going to the bathroom one billion times.
Written by Paul Stoecklein
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